My 1st post of the new year. I’ve had so much to say and yet I’ve been keeping much of it in.

I’m going back to Michigan tomorrow night. I’m not sure how long I’ll be back there…maybe a few weeks. I’m going back to see my father who has been pretty sick. He’s having a triple bypass while I’m back in Michigan. I know there’s not much I can do by being back there but I know I need to go. The circumstances will be complicated.

I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about some of this stuff before but a quick and non-detailed explanation is that my father was already married(with 5 kids) when he was screwing around with my mother and I was the end result. Well, I shouldn’t say “end result” because that’s where the mess began. My father never told his wife or 5 kids about me so I’m pretty sure they have no clue they have a sibling floating around out here. It’s been my father’s wishes that I not say anything to his family… and this has been challenging.

For most of my life, I’d always hoped he’d let his kids know I exist but as years went on, I realized that the only way I’d meet any of these people would be if my father were to pass away and, only then, I would introduced myself. –[My dad knows I'm going to meet his kids after he's gone...I told him this a few times before.] For years I’ve had a chess game of conversation in my head of how reactions might be and what might or might not be said [It makes me a little crazy sometimes]. Anyway…there’s much more to the story but that’s enough to be caught up to speed.

So, my dad’s health has been pretty bad this last year…and he’s getting up there in age. For as non-fatherly as he’s been to me most of my life, he’s always been in contact around Christmas. When I didn’t hear from him this year, my mother hunted him down and found him in the hospital. He’d had a pretty bad heart attack. He’s been in the hospital now for the last 20-something days trying to recover and regain enough strength for the bypass surgery in the next week or so. I’ve been having brief conversations with him on the phone and he’s sounds like a wreck [and hard to understand]. He’ll be extremely emotional and (to me), it’s seems like he’s trying to prepare for his own death. It’s very sad. 

Just over a week ago…my father told me while in a pretty fragile state…that he told his wife about my mother. I guess his wife wanted to know who the lady was who was hunting him down in the hospital. When he said that he TOLD HER, I almost swallowed my own tongue. One would think the next step would be for him to now tell them about me? This hasn’t happened yet but there’s a chance it might while I’m back there this trip.

He told my mother that he needed to make some “preparations” for me to come in and see him but that he DID want me to come. I’m not really sure how to take that. I just know, I’d have some respect for him if he did say something now [at the very least, to his other kids]. I know it’ll never make up for lost years but it would make me very happy. I have a feeling I’m going to be let down again so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. If he DOES say something…I’m not sure what reactions would be.

Mainly, I DO hope my father will be okay and he probably will be. I know bypass is extremely common these days but there’s always risk. Most importantly, that last thing I want is to create unnecessary stress for him at this point in time. But, he IS my father and I feel I need to be there now. As I said, It’s complicated.

Oh…and YES, The TV Show “Brothers and Sisters” owes me a royalty check. They stole my life

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