There’s no easy way to say it. I fell off the wagon and am now smoking again. I’m not proud of it…In fact, I feel pretty shitty about it.

I had it beat too and now I’m feeling pretty disgusted in myself. I’ve been cheating and sneaking and not letting people know for a little while now. I knew I fell off and I kept thinking that I’d quit again before the cat came completely out of the bag and I let others down along with myself…but now I’m back to square one.

Quitting smoking was THE HARDEST thing I’d ever done and I felt pretty damn good that I was able to do it for so long. It’s a good feeling to feel proud of yourself to know you beat an addiction like that…but it feels twice as bad when you fuck it up. People who were lucky(and smart) enough not to get hooked on smoking in the first place have no idea the work quitting is. They say they do but unless you’ve smoked for a long period of time you really don’t know. It’s just like alcoholism…once you’re a smoker, you’re always a smoker inside [At least, you think like a smoker does]. One cigarette is all it takes and you’re back to the place you left off. Of course, none of this is an excuse to keep doing it.

I have no excuse why I started again…I don’t blame any specific event …just myself for not being strong enough to stick with it this time. I will quit again. But before I deceive more people into thinking I’m still breathing clean air, I just want to admit that my evil friend is back. Hopefully it’s only for a short stay.

Let me say how sorry I am to friends who didn’t know…this is not the sort of thing I’m proud to say or something that makes me want to jump up and down on Oprah’s couch about. I’m embarrassed and extremely disappointed in myself.