June 1st
Today happens to be my father’s birthday. How old is he? I don’t know really since I hardly know him. I do know that he was in the Korean War so I guess that puts him in his mid 70’s. I’m not even sure why I remember his birthday each year when it comes around…or why I should care. Perhaps it’s that I realize that it’s just another year in which I missed having any part of his life and vice versa.
Some of you who know me personally know the details of the story of my father but I’m guessing most of the people reading this are a bit confused as to why I’m a bit bitter when I speak of him. Without going into too much detail…let’s just say my father is a jerk. And by “jerk”…I don’t mean he’s a bad guy. He just made a choice in his life that didn’t include me. Yeah, yeah…So I have “abandonment issues“..there are worse things I could have eh? 
I guess this makes me some sort of “Love Child” since my dad was already married to someone else(with 5 other kids) who was, and still is clueless that I was even born. For years, I’d always hoped that this situation would change and that one day I’d wake up he would give me public recognition that I’m his son but as more and more time goes on, I realize that is never going to happen. I know I could always come knocking on his door and “spill the beans” but I’m not going to do that though I’ve come real close to doing that in the past. However, when he dies you can bet I’ll be sure to let his other kids know that they have had a half-brother floating around out there. I’d really like to meet these siblings and give them the choice whether or not they’d like to know me. Right now, they don’t even have that option but they will someday.
My dad does call about once a year to check in on me and ask how things are doing. I’m sure a part of him actually DOES care but I think he cares more about me ruining his life…I won’t be doing that…but I’ll probably end up ruining his death (if that makes sense).
And so..this is the sort of stuff I think about when June 1st comes around each year.
Well, you know how I feel about the guy: NOT KNOWING YOU IS HIS LOSS! Yes, he’s a jerk… AND, excuse my French, but he is a ‘fuquere stupide’… no, I don’t speak French, but you get my drift. You make ME proud…
thanks Mike,
yeah…I’d like to think it’s his loss but it feels more like everyone’s loss to me. Doesn’t seem to be any winners in this situation but I guess that’s life
I can relate a little bit…but that’s a-whole-nother story. I understand the longing for ‘public’ recognition, especially since if YOU were the jerk you could easily call up his other family and spill the beans. He should be thankful that you have been raised to be one of the Good Guys.
*smooch*
And you are, make no mistake about it.
You’re right, it IS everyone’s loss…but mostly his for not getting to know such a wonderful son.
luckily, I realize that we make our own family….but I’ve always felt that biological ties are strong and I have a hard time understanding how someone who is blood-related to me can be such a coward
Thanks for the sweet comment
hug!
Who knows, if you really did know him you might not be the nice man you are today. My own father was an abusive, alcoholic, whom my mother stayed with, “for the kids”. Not that she could have gotten away anyhow because he was a stalker. She spent her entire 17 years praying he didn’t snap and kill us all. I spent my time praying that God would kill him. He finally died. Sad isn’t it. There are worse things than abandoment issues.:neutral:
Cathe
yeah..i’m pretty sure the lack of him being in my life had a major effect on who i am today…things could be worse i know
First, I met my father for the first time when I was 23. He had denied my existence to his “new” family for my whole life (he left when I was 2 months old).
While I don’t disagree with him having left my mother (she was an undiagnosed schizophrenic, who has since gotten much worse and refuses medical attention) - I do however, disagree with him lying and not coming to see me or even acknowledging my existence.
I think you should show up on his front door step.
He is a liar. A cheat. And more.
And if he can’t own up to it - or if he is going to continue to LIE, then you can only offer to pay for a genetic test.
Which is what you should come prepared to do to his doorstep.
Walk up and say:
“Hi, I’m so-and-so. I am the genetic son of so-and-so. He does/does not know about me - and I’m here to meet everyone. I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to everyone, but it is time that the truth comes out - and I want to meet those who are biologically my family. I want to get to know who you are, and share who I am. And… by the way, if you need confirmation, I’ve made arrangements to have genetic testing. I come to you with open arms, and I don’t expect you to be entirely happy - but I hope that you give this a chance.”
It isn’t easy. But it can be done - and if you’re rejected - know that the normal reaction at first is: Disbelief. Anger. Depression. Anger. Sadness. Guilt. Anger. Acceptance. Anger and finally acceptance.
On both parts.
Know that the people at the house will be shocked. Then Angry.
Then you’ll have to deal with people who think you’re there just to make a gain (the family will - family properties, etc.) or there to leech off of them. Make sure you’re in a position to let them know that you’re fully self sustainable and you need nothing from them.
They have lived their lives knowing nothing of you.
They have been lied to.
So there will be an uproar at some point, whether you see it or not.
So - whatever your choice is - I WISH you the BEST of LUCK…
And make sure you’re prepared for any and all reactions regarding this from Rejection, Disbelief, Anger, Acceptance.
I speak from experience.
Many hugs,
Wager Witch
sorry i didn’t get to reply to this until today
I got quite a bit of email about this post from people saying the same sort of things you just said about showing up at his door
Whenever I do let it be known i’m alive…i’m trying to expect the unexpected. I’d like to think at least 1 of the 5 siblings might want to know me though–that’s really all i would hope for
I can understand your bitterness. I guess you get to ask yourself–how long is it worth carrying before it eats you alive?
Tons of love and hugs, gorgeous. Remember–half of him is in you and you are talented and insightful and beautiful. Maybe find the good.
yeah…i’ll admit, it does eat at me still.
it could be that i’m better off and maybe it was all for the best but the not knowing part is no fun
Yes…i’m sure my Father is really Darth Vader
Good point So Lost! My dad is half of me. Maybe thats why I entered the Army and became a warrior woman for a while. Firing M16s, repairing helicopters, tromping through the woods training to fight. The nuturing side of my mom and the well, whatever side of my dad. Probably what enabled me to train as I did. Interesting points.
Cathe
remind me not to make you angry
those M16’s sounds scary
I wanted to add that I couldn’t find your email regarding this - so I posted the whole thing. If what I wrote above is too personal - please feel free to edit it.
I guess, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in the issue.
Also wanted to let you know that I went to your indie/garageband site.
Very good stuff, excellent recording - very well placed together.
I have a very odd suggestion to make - have you ever thought of having brown hair? Or giving it a try? I know that sounds strange… But right now - the main male vocalist performers all have brown or dark hair. *Yeah, I know… strange thing to think.*
I play rythym guitar and lead vocals for a local band here - we do some shows, and record on a Fostex VF160. Compared to you, we suck. But we haven’t bowed down to playing other people’s music yet.
So - hey - nice to meet you - and I wish you Luck on both the family thing and the music thing.
Rock on.
Wager Witch
not too personal at all
there was a time when i wouldn’t talk about it..but now i don’t mind at all…i realize i had no control in the matter 
Brown hair? sure…i’ve had about 6 different hair colors (i get bored easily)
Only trouble is…i’m so pale that the darker my hair is…the whiter i look.
I still have a fostex digital recorder but these days i’m doing the recordings on the computer. I do “ok” with recording things i can plug into it but i’m still not very good with getting a good vocal sound with the home studio…so i usually go to a real studio for that and take the files home and tweak them
good to meet you too!
shout any time
I went to your dad’s house yesterday, knocked on his door, waited until his wife answered the door, and when she stared blankly at me, the stranger standing before her, I said, “Tell Bob’s dad happy birthday for me”, I stood there silent for like another 10 seconds, then turned, wlaked away, got in my car and drove off while the woman just stood at the door kind of confused.
The scary part is that I’m the kind of nutjob who may have actually done that…you just can never tell….
…after 2-years of no contact, Shannon called me. Wow. Weird.
Ya know, if you really did do that she would just think that you are sending a message from my other brother named BOB LOL
I heard from Shannon not too long ago…she’s signed up to my blog mailing list but it’s been a while since i’ve exchanged emails with her
I like that you are not letting the person he is bring down the quality of person that you are.
sometimes i think it made me a better person and that it was all for the best…but I’ll never really know for sure
it makes for a good story though
hug!
I always say there’s a reason for everything. You will someday realize why your dad has chosen not to be the father he should have been.
Personally, I’d hire someone to break his fucking legs.
“You will someday realize why your dad has chosen not to be the father he should have been. ”
this sounds like a line from The Matrix
he doesn’t need his legs anyway
I’ve had ‘abandonment issues’ with my mother for quite some time. She saw her life outside of the family as more important than taking care of her children. I can’t totally relate to your story but I can get a general idea of how it feels and I’m sorry you have to go through it.
I think, based on what I’ve read, that you’re better off without him anyway. Your going through with your music career and you’ve certainly got a good head on your shoulders. You’re doing just fine without his input, and if he didn’t wish to be a dad to someone else then that’s his choice.
I’d totally love to see the look on their faces when that bomb is dropped on them at the funeral…bring a camera heh.
“I’d totally love to see the look on their faces when that bomb is dropped on them at the funeral…bring a camera heh.”
hehe
yeah…either it could be an award winnign documentary …either that or i could be a guest on Jerry Springer
:mrgreen:I had to laugh at your comment about not making me mad! Two of my older children both girls, were talking about a time when some young man about my height who had said something obcene to one of them, and I had gone to his house and asked to see his mother and him. I explained, (in what I thought was a polite cordial way) to his mother what happened and that I expected an appology to my daughter. She promptly dragged him outside and while trembling appologized. I left satisfied. They were talking about how terrified he had been and I commented that his mother must have really been going to punish him. My daughters both looked at me with their mouths open and then laughed! What? I said.
Moooom, he was terrified of YOU!
Why I asked? I was calm and controlled.
But mom, its your eyes! When your angry, you look scary! We’ve always been scared of “THAT LOOK!”.
Hmmmm, I said, well no wonder my babies have always been so well behaved.
Here I thought I ‘ve just always been this nurturing country girl mommy type. I guess you can’t take the Army out of the girl.
Cathe:cool::!:
i wonder if all mom’s have that “look” …i know mine did too…sometimes the look was worse than anything else
Oh by the way, M16s are really neat to fire. Absolutly no kick. They do put off alot of fumes though and hot shell casings burn like heck if they land on you. Fortunately the only thing I ever had to kill were black pop up silouetts. Right through the gonads every time. My drill Sgt kept calling me sicko. All of our venison has been fresh road kill. I do skin and gut em myself though. Even have a cook book called Road Kill Cafe. Yummm good eatin!
Sorry to hear about you and your dad. That’s really too bad that you don’t know your dad that well. I certainly hope you get to know your siblings in the future.
Thanks for the nice words
yeah, some day i’ll get the chance to (at the very least) let them know i’m alive and give them the choice
i hope 1 of the 5 might take an interest in getting to know me…that’s all i really hope for
hug!
Take a listen to this group. Our cousin Joe is the base player.
http://www.spurhighway.com/
sounds nice…i haven’t heard this genre of music since i was kid…it brings me back
I know how u feel coz i feel the same way abt my dad. Its better off not knowing him then knowing him. it’ll just end up breaking ur heart. in a way, at least u’re lucky he calls…mine…never even does that and expecets me to call him instead….oh well…life goes on…….
yeah…sometimes i’m not sure which is worse: having a dead beat dad who call ever so often…or not hearing from him ever. it’s a tough coin to toss up
i dont know the ends and outs of this situation ( i only happened upon this blog a couple of moments ago) but i want to wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do… hiding the truth ( even in the form of a human being) is wrong, and as my mother always used to say, it ALL comes out “in the wash”.
live hard, prosper long, rachel
vi veri veniversum vivus vici
welcome!
yeah…it’ll all come out in the end for sure…there’s going to be a handful of people very shocked at it …should be interesting